It’s easier on me to let go of the spite.
To let myself move past the hurt.
To forgive him instead of hate him.

It’s not always easy.

There’s days it’s taking everything in me to hold back,
to bite my tongue,
and to not say something just because I know it’ll cause more bad in our co-parenting relationship than good.

There’s times he makes extremely poor choices when it comes to our daughter,
and I have to decide what’s worth talking about and what’s not.

I have zero resentment for things that happened in our relationship.
It did take me a while to get over it — especially the ways that he treated me during my pregnancy and early postpartum.

However, despite never really having that closure, I learned to let go and move on.

Not for him.
Not even for my daughter — as selfish as that may sound.

But for me.

Which also would be for my daughter, because she deserves a happy mom that’s not bitter, not spiteful towards her father, and can show her the strength in letting go and moving on.

Ultimately, it was for myself.

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When my ex first started dating again after we broke up…
I was spiteful.

I had a lot of resentment towards him at the time that I hadn’t let go of.
I was over him, but not over what he did to me and how he was that first year after our daughter was born.

I didn’t feel like he deserved to move on from me and be happy with someone else.

However, the thing was…
I knew he was going to do the same things he did to me…
to her.

And to any girl.

You hear it all the time—
“once a cheater, always a cheater.”

I don’t necessarily believe that.

I think people can grow.
I think people can change.

But that was his pattern.
That is his pattern.

---

And I had to ask myself…
What am I trying to protect this girl for?
And why am I?

It wasn’t about her.
I didn’t know her.
I didn’t care to know her.

No, I had to really learn to let the shit go…
let him do what he was going to do.

I couldn’t let his relationships and the things he did affect me anymore.
That was more damaging to me.

And yes, it took a lot for me to get there.
It didn’t happen overnight.

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I still talk about things that happened with my kid’s dad.
It’s not because I hold on to that in a resentful way.

It’s because it’s something I never want to go through again.
I feel like by talking about it, I’m not letting it happen again.

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I feel like we’ve come a long ways just in our short amount of time as co-parents.
We’ve been broken up since our daughter was 8 months old.

However, I feel like we really disconnected and lost the connection of the relationship during my pregnancy.

I feel like emotionally I was forced to “let it go” during my pregnancy.

---

I hear a lot of things that sometimes make me annoyed or feeling a type of way with him.

Like when his girlfriend and him broke up for like a month or two,
and I found out that he had some random girl spending the weekend with my kid there…

I know a lot of women probably would have freaked out and lost their shit.

And you can say what you want… call me a bad mom for not saying anything.

However, the way I saw it was—even if I said something, even if I flipped shit,
it wouldn’t have changed a thing.

He would still do it.

And the only difference it would have made
was that we wouldn’t have gotten along,
and that tension would be worse to have in my daughter’s life
than the random girl playing house with them for the weekend.

I played it off to him like I didn’t know.

And trust me, I was tempted to say something to him about it.

However, I knew if I did, he would have just ignored me
and it wouldn’t have made a difference anyways.

At the end of the day, I knew my daughter was okay.
She was safe.

I still trusted him enough not to put her in harm’s way.

Also, luckily, she’s still so young she wouldn’t really understand.

---

I’m not trying to make him out to be a bad guy.

I know people might see this and think me posting this is “calling him out” or “shaming him.”
But I’m not.

I’m speaking my truth.
My experience.
The things I’ve gone through.

I know a lot of other moms can relate.

Maybe even other moms and I can learn things from each other
by sharing these “unspeakable truths.”

That’s what Raw Mothering is all about.

I’m not going to sugar coat shit
or hide things
just to protect the feelings of others.

I know we are gonna have a lot of ups and downs.

I know there will be a lot more times I’m biting my tongue when I probably shouldn’t.

I also know there’s gonna be times I don’t,
and I’ll have my breaking moments.

We have many years to come of it—this is only the beginning.

I know I’ll just figure it out along the way.