Motherhood isn’t always what we expect—and the postpartum experience can hold both deep love and quiet heaviness. In this piece, Marina shares both her personal experience and professional insight into what that really looks like.

No one told me that joy and grief could coexist after bringing a child into the world. I loved my son with a depth of emotion I never knew was possible, yet I also mourned the loss of the person I was before becoming a mother.

I can still remember holding my newborn in those first weeks of life, feeling my heart overflow with immense love while also carrying a heaviness I had never experienced before.

As both a mother and a clinician with over a decade of experience in neuropsychiatry, I’ve come to realize that the emotional landscape following childbirth is far more nuanced than the tidy labels we often see in diagnostic manuals. While postpartum depression and anxiety are very real and significant conditions, they capture only part of the picture. The reality is that becoming a mother is an emotional upheaval—profoundly beautiful and undeniably human.

The Myth of “Bouncing Back”

Our culture often pressures new mothers to “bounce back”—physically, emotionally, and even professionally—as if birth were merely a temporary detour rather than a life-changing transformation.

Social media frequently shows polished images of women cradling their newborns, hair brushed, smiles effortless. What we rarely see are the sleepless nights, the tears shed without clear reason, or the quiet moments of panic and loss of identity that can accompany early motherhood.

As a clinician, I often hear patients say, “I should be happy. Why do I feel this way?”

The word should carries enormous shame. Many women assume something must be wrong with them for not feeling pure joy.

In truth, emotional ambivalence during this time is deeply normal.

You can love your baby and feel grateful while still mourning the freedom and sense of self you once had. Adjustment doesn’t mean feeling only positive emotions—it means learning to hold the full range of them without judgment.

When “Normal Adjustment” Blurs Into Something More

Emotionally, the postpartum period exists on a continuum.

On one end are the baby blues—common, short-lived emotional disturbances that affect up to 80% of new mothers during the first two weeks after birth. These feelings often resolve as hormones stabilize and sleep improves.

But when symptoms persist or intensify—when sadness deepens into emptiness, when worry becomes consuming, or when irritability overshadows joy—we may be entering the territory of postpartum depression or anxiety.

Postpartum depression affects roughly one in eight women, and postpartum anxiety disorders are just as common, though often underrecognized.

These conditions do not always look the way people expect. For many new mothers, it may feel like intrusive fears about their baby’s safety, overwhelming guilt, or emotional disconnection.

As a clinician, I emphasize to mothers that these experiences are not character flaws. They are treatable medical conditions influenced by hormonal changes, sleep deprivation, and the profound identity shift that occurs after childbirth.

With the right support and treatment, recovery is not only possible—it is expected. No mother should have to navigate this darkness alone.

Recognizing and Treating Postpartum Depression and Anxiety

The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG) recommends screening for depression and anxiety during pregnancy and postpartum visits, ideally around two and six weeks after birth and continuing through the first year.

Common screening tools include:

• Edinburgh Postnatal Depression Scale (EPDS)

• Patient Health Questionnaire (PHQ-9)

• Generalized Anxiety Disorder Scale (GAD-7)

A positive screening result should lead to a fuller evaluation with a healthcare professional. Screening is meant to open doors—not close them.

Treatment for postpartum depression and anxiety is highly effective and may include therapy, medication when appropriate, and strengthening social and lifestyle support.

Redefining Adjustment

Perhaps we need new language for postpartum adjustment—language that honors both resilience and struggle.

Adjustment should not mean returning to who you were before motherhood. Instead, it may mean discovering who you are becoming.

Healing is not linear. Some days you may feel strong and grounded; other days even small tasks feel overwhelming. That doesn’t mean you’re failing—it means you’re human.

Seeking help is not weakness. It is an act of care—for yourself and for your child.

The Quiet Turning Point

I remember those early months after giving birth, staring at my newborn in his bassinet and wondering who I was becoming.

Then one day he let out a full, unexpected laugh. Something inside me softened. The heaviness hadn’t vanished, but it no longer defined me.

Healing wasn’t about bouncing back. It was about allowing motherhood to reshape me while still leaving space for the woman I was before.

If I could tell new mothers one thing, it would be this:

You are not failing for feeling more than happiness.

You are adjusting in more ways than one—emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

The version of you emerging now is not broken. She is simply becoming whole in a new way.

Sources

• American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG). Screening for Perinatal Depression and Anxiety. Clinical Practice Guideline No. 4, 2023.

• American Psychiatric Association (APA) & ACOG Joint Report. Management of Depression During Pregnancy and the Postpartum Period.

• National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH). Perinatal Depression Factsheet, 2024.

• O’Hara MW, Wisner KL. Perinatal mental illness: Definition, description and aetiology. Best Practice & Research Clinical Obstetrics & Gynaecology. 2014.

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About the Author

Marina Mathew is a mental health clinician with more than a decade of experience in neuropsychiatry. As both a clinician and a mother, she is passionate about helping women better understand the emotional realities of the postpartum period and advocates for compassionate, evidence-based care for maternal mental health.

This article was contributed to Raw Mothering as part of our mission to share real, honest stories and perspectives about motherhood.